Into the unknown.
There was an entire world of the unknow last time I have made a blog post. There was so much uncertainty as to what we were going to do with the virus, with staying at home, with our jobs, and families, Everything was at a standstill for some of us. For others, like myself, the work world has not changed much - just made some slight adjustments. For me those adjustments meant stressful separations from the family and singing Frozen's "into the unknown" every time I have opened the front door.
While I was trying to be mentally supporting to my family and friends, I have slowly drowned in stress I did not know was there. You all know that the world was a little much a year ago and still a little much today. Comes in my diagnosis of severe PTSD. I hit the mental rock bottom, while trying to smile through on-line and in-person meetings, raising children that have spent 1/3 of their lives living through the pan'doom'ic, and aimlessly trying to build community. Actually, multiple communities. Life does not stop for anyone - time just keeps going on.
Three years later we live in a different world but same bureaucratic red tape, crappy events happening around the world, and chaotic news from various corners of the World. At least we now how less patience thanks to TikToks, spending way too much time on the screens, and the comparison games we play on the Instagram.
I did not end up with PTSD because of the pandemic, I ended up with PTSD because I have been exposed to disturbing material on a daily basis as part of my full time job, concurrently for over eight years. The stressors pushed onto me by the world and lack of stronger psychological supports have made the daily work stress unmanageable. Even though my mind did not recognize the signs - my body has shown me plenty over the last six months, ending up with a major panic attack and an ER visit.
I have been off work for over a month (after a full on fight for getting the time off) and only now starting to see what it is I am hiding from underneath the blankets in a room with drawn up curtains. I am a grown up who is hiding from the world because that actions of actions made me want to crawl back into my mother's womb, fuck PTSD, fuck Depression. I will not be the victim of actions of others and even knowing that there is a hard fight ahead, I will not give up. I will take it slow - the good news is PTSD is treatable within 5 years of the event,,, so like in (8x5=40 years) in FOURTY years, I should be just fine. With therapy it should go away mostly, if not entirely within six months to six years. I am looking forward to it.
I am at a crossroads of my life getting uprooted after my ER visit. I have no old job, my identity is shot, and I have no idea what is in store. Yesterday, in my dream I got a message from the Universe in a way of a non-nightmare dream... I have cut off my hair while looking in the mirror, added bright colors to the newly black French bob, and have let go of all that was pushing me down,
"I am confident to say that the Universe has new plan for me.
Whatever it is - I will find it, I will follow it, and I WILL be successful at it"
I have lost my motivation to do anything for the last six months, but none of you would know it. Even those close to me would not be able to tell that my cup was entirely empty, my soul dried out, and my head was always heavy. Don't underestimate how much people actually carry on their shoulders - you do not know who is fighting and trust me that you for sure do not know who is sometimes fighting for the safety of your children behind securely closed doors.
While I was struggling for the last six months I somehow managed to also apply for a Master of Counselling Program through one of the online Universities.
I am looking at the Acceptance Letter into a new life.
art-time. Full of hard work and new boundaries, but maybe behind it all lies not only full healing but a way to heal others. This is a letter inviting me to take a leap into the unknown before I am fully ready.
Per aspera ad Astra.
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