My cup runneth over...

I try to fit my boobs into a bra that I have purchased a year ago. They won't go in. The strap in the back is too short. I know, I know. "I've let myself go", and that is the first thing that comes to mind. 

What is wrong with our society if that is in fact the first thing that always comes to mind? How about the fact that when you go shopping at a bra speciality store - you literally have a person who straps you in and with some force I might add. You stand there in perfect light and with two (if not more) extra hands to help you. Have you ever tried putting on the same stuff at home... when you are alone, in a rush, sweating, while your mind constantly telling you that you are not good enough to wear something incredibly sexy and expensive? Ladies, plus sized beauties, you know what I mean? Yeah you do. Men, your only job is to successfully take those items off - if you got your proper consent. 

I did not let myself go. What I have let go is of a job that has left me with severe PTSD and huge trust issues. What I have let go of is having constant IBS due to high stress. What I have let go of is spending time with people that did not respect me. What I have let go of is feeling sick in the morning and not being able to sleep at night. 

It's been four months and I am just now starting to figure out my sleep again. My body is finally starting to relax and maybe it is trying to catch up with missed meals, missed sleep, and all the calories I have spent on crying at the psychologist's office. I am going through a complete transformational period in my life where I have to heal everything from the inside out: my body, my connections with people, my motivation, my home, my identity. 

I finally understand that this will take time. Healing takes time. Sometimes longer than expected. At the beginning I have given myself a month to "deal" with the problem and it turns out my mind had other plans. It took eight years of work to get here - it will take years to get out.

I grieve the personality I have to let go of - she was a strong and independent woman - who protected me from dealing with egregious material day and in day out for over eight years. She was so good at hiding the stress that even my brain had difficult time realizing it, but then my support was gone and everything went crushing down. If you were the one who supported me- you know - because I come to you in your dreams and still lean on you when necessary. 

Perhaps it is kind of sad that I have to let go of those pretty bras, but at the end if the only thing I have left from this entire experience is knowing that my cups have runneth over... so be it. Cheers to having more of me to share with the world when I am ready. 

XoXo, 

Delightfully confused by my own brain.