I am not saying everything is a good choice but I am truly starting to believe that it is. We are so incredibly lucky to be able to choose the path our life takes at least to the point where Nature has the bigger power. But even with in it there are hourly micro-choices that can pull us towards our desire or away to our demise. That is coming from me, someone who has to take anxiety medication because only a year ago I felt like I had no choice at all.
Healing is not linear. A cliché. Only a cliché because you heard that saying so many times but you do not fully comprehend the depth of that meaning until you are truly trying to heal from everything. Healing is a rollercoaster. Healing is a manuscript full of question marks. Healing is learning magic tricks to show your friends but instead surprising your own self with the process and how well you can do it and how badly it feels when the trick does not turn out.
I decided to curate my life. Me, a completely average, 38 year old female.
My mother moved to a new country and had a baby at that age. I felt like I just existed between a simple government job and constant anxiety in the post-lockdown-covid world for the last few years. Other thirty-some-year-olds tell me how they don't have hobbies, or money to travel, or time to have kids, or freedom to do something for themselves. That is just so painful to hear. It's discouraging that we see so much inspirational material over social media, yet we feel completely lost in this new technologically advanced but at the same time isolating boring world.
I am curating my life in these past few weeks by only focusing on two major things: walks and therapy.
With walks comes a bit of a break from being stuck in my own body all winter long with depression being my only companion. With continual therapy comes a healthier space to sprout my own re-birth from. With therapy comes a new form of self-awareness and it is taking me just over a year to reach it. To look within. To be completely honest with myself. To be able to reflect not on the past events but past feelings.
This self-awareness is teaching me that I can make choices. There is room for me to say "yes" and "no". There is space for me to decide on something very specific or just go with the flow of the moment. There is time to make love to my body. There is time to make similar love to my mind. I thought my thoughts, my ideas, my creativity were locked in this sad new version of my mind where trauma has sucked everything up into this world of negativity.
How we feel is not always a full choice, like we can still get sick, or have chemical imbalances, or other related issues. On the other hand we should still be able to make some - we are capable of making a decision on how many sips of water to have or how often to call our friends. Time to start making some better choices now. Get more active and don't rush the process. Unleash the process of doing and choosing first.